Things You Can Learn from Fox News
THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM FOX NEWS
By Chris Daly
With the recent disclosure that Rupert Murdoch, global media mogul, is attempting to buy the Dow Jones Company and its flagship, the Wall Street Journal, I have been paying more attention lately to one of Murdoch’s journalistic operations, the Fox News Channel. You can learn a lot from watching Fox News, especially if you ignore what is being said and focus instead on what is not being said. Here are some things I learned:
1. President Bush is perfect and never makes mistakes.
2. If Bush makes a mistake, see #1.
3. Real men have blunt-sounding, single-syllable names like Biff, Brent, Shep. They sound like names from a rodeo rather than a newsroom.
4. America has an endless supply of fairly young, totally blonde women who are fairly smart and totally deferential.
5. The oil business is complicated and off-limits. All you need to know is this: everything would be fine if we could just increase the supply of oil, but liberals won’t let us.
6. Everything bad is Clinton’s fault.
7. Ronald Reagan is the godhead.
8. The cops are always right and just need more firepower.
9. Prosecutors are always right and need stiffer penalties, including the death penalty.
10. When things are going badly in Iraq, it’s time for a story about the weather.
11. Left-wing celebrities are all hypocritical kooks.
12. Right-wing celebrities are charming individuals.
13. America is a Christian country, so (obviously) there should be Christmas displays outside our city halls and the 10 Commandments in our courtrooms. Anyone who disagrees is a dangerous atheist.
14. A lot of the countries we don’t like are theocracies, but they’re not usually Christian, so that doesn’t count. We can still make fun of their practices and cluck over their backwardness.
15. In sports, what matters is football and NASCAR. Everything else is for liberals, girls and foreigners.
16. The “culture wars” matter, 24/7.
17. Most Americans need regular instruction in how to think about politics.
18. Foreigners come in two flavors: Silly and Scary. That’s because…
19. All of the decent, hard-working foreigners came to America long ago (when our own ancestors did), before our leaders discovered an immigration crisis.
20. A subject that cannot be mentioned: corporate CEO compensation rates. Shhh.
21. That’s because in America all rich people deserve to be rich (except for left-wing Hollywood stars).
22. People like Oprah, Michael Jordan and Beyonce are a pain the ass and can give you a headache if you think about them long enough, but they are useful because their success “proves” that America is not a racist country… so GET OVER IT.
23. History is complicated and can also give you a headache. But history comes in handy when you need to rationalize anything that conservatives want to do, and there are conservative “intellectuals” who will provide the proper historical analogies just in time, on an as-needed basis.
24. The average, normal American is rightly aggrieved because un-deserving people are always trying to take things from us. (Jobs, certitude, etc.)
25. Taxation is theft.
26. All government spending is wasteful. (Except military spending and Republican earmarks).
27. The following statements are all ones that reasonable people disagree over but can be asserted as self-evident:
--Human life begins at conception.
--Lower taxes stimulate the economy and thereby yield greater revenue.
--Crime is the result of liberal coddling.
28. If you say “fair and balanced” often enough, who knows?
I have also noticed that whenever the news is really bad for conservatives, Fox finds a reason to change the subject. It seems there is always a blonde abduction case, a tornado in a Blue State, or a low-speed car chase being held in reserve. Sex offender, anyone?
By Chris Daly
With the recent disclosure that Rupert Murdoch, global media mogul, is attempting to buy the Dow Jones Company and its flagship, the Wall Street Journal, I have been paying more attention lately to one of Murdoch’s journalistic operations, the Fox News Channel. You can learn a lot from watching Fox News, especially if you ignore what is being said and focus instead on what is not being said. Here are some things I learned:
1. President Bush is perfect and never makes mistakes.
2. If Bush makes a mistake, see #1.
3. Real men have blunt-sounding, single-syllable names like Biff, Brent, Shep. They sound like names from a rodeo rather than a newsroom.
4. America has an endless supply of fairly young, totally blonde women who are fairly smart and totally deferential.
5. The oil business is complicated and off-limits. All you need to know is this: everything would be fine if we could just increase the supply of oil, but liberals won’t let us.
6. Everything bad is Clinton’s fault.
7. Ronald Reagan is the godhead.
8. The cops are always right and just need more firepower.
9. Prosecutors are always right and need stiffer penalties, including the death penalty.
10. When things are going badly in Iraq, it’s time for a story about the weather.
11. Left-wing celebrities are all hypocritical kooks.
12. Right-wing celebrities are charming individuals.
13. America is a Christian country, so (obviously) there should be Christmas displays outside our city halls and the 10 Commandments in our courtrooms. Anyone who disagrees is a dangerous atheist.
14. A lot of the countries we don’t like are theocracies, but they’re not usually Christian, so that doesn’t count. We can still make fun of their practices and cluck over their backwardness.
15. In sports, what matters is football and NASCAR. Everything else is for liberals, girls and foreigners.
16. The “culture wars” matter, 24/7.
17. Most Americans need regular instruction in how to think about politics.
18. Foreigners come in two flavors: Silly and Scary. That’s because…
19. All of the decent, hard-working foreigners came to America long ago (when our own ancestors did), before our leaders discovered an immigration crisis.
20. A subject that cannot be mentioned: corporate CEO compensation rates. Shhh.
21. That’s because in America all rich people deserve to be rich (except for left-wing Hollywood stars).
22. People like Oprah, Michael Jordan and Beyonce are a pain the ass and can give you a headache if you think about them long enough, but they are useful because their success “proves” that America is not a racist country… so GET OVER IT.
23. History is complicated and can also give you a headache. But history comes in handy when you need to rationalize anything that conservatives want to do, and there are conservative “intellectuals” who will provide the proper historical analogies just in time, on an as-needed basis.
24. The average, normal American is rightly aggrieved because un-deserving people are always trying to take things from us. (Jobs, certitude, etc.)
25. Taxation is theft.
26. All government spending is wasteful. (Except military spending and Republican earmarks).
27. The following statements are all ones that reasonable people disagree over but can be asserted as self-evident:
--Human life begins at conception.
--Lower taxes stimulate the economy and thereby yield greater revenue.
--Crime is the result of liberal coddling.
28. If you say “fair and balanced” often enough, who knows?
I have also noticed that whenever the news is really bad for conservatives, Fox finds a reason to change the subject. It seems there is always a blonde abduction case, a tornado in a Blue State, or a low-speed car chase being held in reserve. Sex offender, anyone?
Labels: conservatives, Fox News, journalism, Murdoch
posted by Chris Daly at 5:56 PM
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